


And don't be afraid of the dark, at the end of a storm is a golden sky

by SilverShadow1



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Canon Disabled Character, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Gun Violence, High School, M/M, Missing moments from season four, School Shootings, Supportive Charlie St. George, TBI, Traumatic Brain Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:01:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25018942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverShadow1/pseuds/SilverShadow1
Summary: “What exactly would telling them accomplish?”“It would help give you some closure?”“It would cause them more pain,” Alex countered. “I’ve given them a lifetime of that.”ORWe saw Charlie and Alex during the active shooter drill, but what was going through their heads? More so, what happened during the moments we didn't see after the drill?
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall
Comments: 16
Kudos: 88





	And don't be afraid of the dark, at the end of a storm is a golden sky

**Author's Note:**

> A couple of housekeeping notes:
> 
> \- The direct quotes from the actual scenes obviously aren't my own. The only content that is mine from those sections are the thoughts running through their minds and the italicized bits where Alex thinks he hears his father. I was interested in doing a character study of sorts and imagining what they must've thought during a situation like that one.  
> \- I purposefully kept the TBI stuff vague because I'm not familiar on it and don't want to put any wrong or misleading information. One thing that did strike me, though, is Alex saying it happened to him before and it made me imagine him hearing Hannah when the trial was in full swing given how stressful that time was for him as he tried to remember everything.  
> \- It seemed unbelievable to me that Alex's parents (and especially Deputy Standall) wouldn't go nuclear and that it wouldn't have gotten discussed after the fact since of all the students, Alex was in the most danger. In my opinion, more so than Clay who has his hero complex.
> 
> Title: "You'll Never Walk Alone" by Josh Groban

It was a Thursday.

Really, it was like any other Thursday. School was its usual shit. Except in some ways, it kind of wasn’t because in spite of the high school bullshit, Alex was actually enjoying his study session in the library with Charlie.

The two of them were sitting at a table with Tony as the quarterback tried to help him understand his Spanish assignment. A lost cause, really, and embarrassing to attempt when sitting across from a fluent speaker.

“See, you’re using ‘que’, so it has to be the subjunctive,” said Charlie.

Alex blinked. Right, focus.

“Subjunctive mood can also be used when expressing the speaker’s feelings about a perceived reality. ‘I’m sorry you’re cold’ … ‘Siento que tengas frío.’”

Charlie made the subject much more interesting than Alex ever found it on a good day. To be honest, he enjoyed watching the way that the boy’s lips formed around the words. The way he was so patient with him. It didn’t bode well for his grade if he kept focusing on his lips, but …

“Tony, I’m sorry you have to hear this,” said Charlie, breaking Alex out of his reverie. He quickly turned to face Tony as well. “You could school us both.”

“Yes,” said Tony, with a smirk. “But it wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining.”

“ _ May I have your attention, please _ ?”

They all froze. The use of the intercom was becoming increasingly common these days and it wasn’t an occurrence that Alex liked. In fact, it almost always brought bad news.

“ _ We are currently moving into a lockdown situation _ .” Alex turned to his right to look at Charlie, who met his gaze - the smile he previously wore slipping off of his face. “ _ Code Red. This is a hard lockdown _ .”

Alex felt his blood run cold and his heart start pounding, but he did his best to remain composed. He couldn’t go to pieces. Not here, not in front of everyone. Not in front of Charlie. Charlie didn’t need to know how much of a freak he was since shooting himself.

“ _ Staff, please initiate lockdown procedures immediately. Students, please do not panic and listen closely to this announcement and the instructions of your teacher. Seek immediate shelter in the nearest classroom. I repeat, this is a Code Red, hard lockdown _ .”

“Code Red,” said Charlie, slowly. “That’s … active shooter, right?”

“Yeah,” said Alex, nodding. “It’s got to be another stupid drill.”

He hoped so, anyway.

As Dean Foundry began ordering students to fall into formation - a formation none of them should be so accustomed to at this point - Charlie looked at him again.

“Yeah, it doesn’t look like he was expecting a drill.”

Alex felt another wave of chills at the look that suddenly came across Tony’s face.

“What? What is it?” he asked, anxiously.

Then, somehow, it got worse.

“Tyler’s gone.”

As they all went under the table, and Tony dropped the news that he thought Tyler was buying guns again, he and Charlie looked at each other in panic. It was a look they both knew expressed the same deep-seeded fear. A look that could be summed up with two words.

Not again.

***

They were now in the computer lab section of the library. Tony decided to crawl over there to check out Tyler’s bag and without thinking twice, Charlie and Alex followed him. Charlie didn’t know what to think and by the look on Alex’s face as he watched Tony flip through Tyler’s bags and books, he felt the same way.

All of it was so out of their depths. All of it was so beyond what they should have to worry about right now, especially as they feared for their lives in countless other ways.

“What do you think you’re gonna find?” asked Alex, breaking the tense silence.

“Anything,” replied Tony. “Something to tell me not to lose my shit.”

“He doesn’t want to hurt anyone,” implored Alex. “Not anymore.” Alex then looked at him, and Charlie met his gaze with silent apprehension. “You guys know he’s better.”

“I’m not sure what I know,” said Tony.

“Charlie,” said Alex, and he looked at the older boy. “You and me, we spent more time with him than anyone.”

Charlie so desperately wanted to have Alex’s faith. Honestly, it’s the thing that he admired most about Alex, though at times it perplexed him. For someone who had so little faith in himself, he carried an abundance for those he cared about. It was a wonderful thing that Charlie wished he could draw upon in that moment.

“Did something change after the cops called him in?” he said, shifting gears instead.

“What the fuck,” whispered Tony before Alex could respond.

Charlie felt his blood run cold as he moved closer to see the printed images of guns Tony now laid out on the floor between them.

“Okay,” he heard Alex say urgently from his left, “there’s got to be an explanation that’s not what we think.”

“Or it’s exactly what we think,” said Charlie, slowly. He raised his gaze to meet Alex’s own.

“We have to turn these in,” said Tony. “And tell someone.”

“Hold on, hold on!” said Alex. “We don’t know that this isn’t a drill.”

“Do you really want to risk that?” snapped Tony.

Charlie looked between the two boys like he was watching a tennis match. He wasn’t sure if the fear he felt showed in his eyes, but it coursed through his veins as the weight of it all started to settle on them. Or at least, on him and Tony.

“If it’s real, what good is it going to do to turn the photos in? Do you think it’s gonna stop this?”

“It might,” said Tony, angrily. “There’s a chance, and if there’s a chance, then we’ve got to do something!”

“We don’t know that it’s Tyler,” said Alex, and it was so clear that he was rationalizing. It all pointed to Tyler, but man, did Charlie want to believe Alex. As the boy looked him in the eyes with desperation, he wanted that so much. “My dad said he was fine.”

“Your dad thinks everything’s fine  _ for you _ .”

Charlie bit his tongue, wanting to tell Tony off at that moment. Wanting to wipe off the hurt look that appeared on Alex’s face.

“What does  _ that _ mean?”

“It means  _ I’m _ the one who threw Tyler’s guns away,” said Tony. “And if I gave him a second chance and he comes in and he does this -”

“Alright,” said Charlie, finally interjecting and looking between the two boys. He heard enough. “Let’s just take a second and we can think about what we need to do.”

“If you’re wrong about this,” said Alex, “his life is over! And if he goes down, how long do you think it’s gonna take before we all go down, too?”

There was a beat. Charlie watched as Tony stared at Alex in disbelief, shaking his head and looking at the ground for a prolonged moment. He held his own breath and waited.

“Okay,” said Tony, looking first at him. “Do we protect  _ everyone _ or just ourselves?”

Tony looked between the two of them and Charlie swallowed. He tried to remember the last time they  _ didn’t _ have to make a decision like that. A decision with such an obvious moral answer, but one that felt so terrifyingly impossible.

He drew a blank.

***

The minutes felt like hours.

“He’s our friend, Tony,” said Alex.

“I know that. Of course, I know that.”

“We all want to protect Tyler and believe that he’s better,” said Charlie, and Alex looked at him. Looked at the boy who perpetually saw the best in people. Why wasn’t he seeing the best in Tyler right now? Why was Alex the only one believing in him?

He blinked and focused again on Charlie.

“But what if we’re wrong?”

Alex felt his heart sink at the words. Before he could dwell on it, though, there was a gunshot and his head jolted up. Tony, who now stood by the door, pivoted fast on the offensive. Like he was ready to smack the bullet out of the air with his own hands.

“What was that?”

More shots.

Tony fell to the floor immediately and the three of them slid under the computer tables. Alex’s heart pounded in his throat and he felt like he was going to be sick. His breathing was increasingly erratic and he vaguely heard Tony say he was taking what they found to Foundry. He tried to protest, but the words died on his lips. He couldn’t breathe …

He was dying. He must be.

“Alex,” he heard Charlie say, panic laced in his voice. “Are you okay?”

“I did this,” he gasped. He continued to hyperventilate. “Everyone’s gonna die and it’s all my fault!” His voice cracked toward the end and Charlie rushed over to him, but he hardly noticed the other boy.

“No!” Charlie protested, but he shook his head.

“Tony was right. We could have stopped him,” he continued. Fuck, why didn’t he listen to Tony? Why did he think he knew anything? He fucked up  _ everything _ . “I fucked this up like I fuck up everything!” He slammed his hand repeatedly against the bottom of the table.

“Alex, hey, listen to me,” said Charlie, talking over Alex’s panicked breaths. “Listen.”

Alex closed his eyes. This was all his fault. What if it was one of his friends? What if it was Jessica? Or Clay? Or Zach? Or …

“I can’t …” he gasped. “I can’t breathe. I think I’m dying …”

He was definitely dying.

“Focus on your hands,” said Charlie, immediately. He sounded so confident. How was he so in control right now? Alex was spinning out and Charlie was on top of it. “What do you feel like? Describe it to me.”

“I don’t fucking know!” snapped Alex, his chest rising and falling at a rapid pace.

“Just … squeeze my hand!” Alex’s head snapped toward the other boy. “You can do that. Come on, I know you can.”

Alex grabbed Charlie’s hand, if for no other reason than to make him be quiet and stop talking about hands. Then he grabbed Charlie’s right one with his left hand. They felt warm. They felt large and like they could keep him grounded. Keep him protected from whatever -  _ whoever _ was outside those doors.

“Come on, Alex. Focus,” said Charlie. “On me, okay?” Alex looked at him, and it was like he was seeing him for the first time. “Just breathe. Breathe.”

Alex closed his eyes and then forced himself to open them again and look at the other boy. He felt his breathing slow momentarily like he might pass out, but then increase again as the adrenaline took its place.

“It’s gonna be okay,” said Charlie, and, as Alex looked at him, he realized something. Charlie was just as afraid as him. He was pissing your pants terrified. He was doing whatever he could to help Alex, though.

As Alex came to that realization, continuing to focus on the other boy’s deep, blue eyes, he felt his breathing return to a more normal rate. He felt the pull of Charlie’s grip as it tethered him to the ground. Kept him from spinning out into orbit. He wanted to smile at the other terrified boy, assure him that he heard him and he would try to focus on him.

He couldn’t smile, though. Not in that moment. Not as everything remained uncertain.

So he just held on for dear life.

***

Everything felt cold.

Maybe it was because they were no longer holding hands. Maybe it was because they were going into shock. That was a thing that happened, right? Alex experienced shock more times than a kid their age should experience it.

Mostly because more often than not, it didn’t have to do with a physical injury.

He and Charlie sat in silence. A tense silence. And then, he heard it.

“ _ Alex _ ?”

It sounded like his father.

“ _ Alex? Where are you? Your mother and I are worried sick _ .”

He felt his blood run cold. He was hurting his parents again. He kept hurting the people he loved most in the world. When would the hurt stop?

“ _ Alex, please answer me. I need your help. Please let me in _ .”

“That’s my dad,” he gasped.

“What?” said Charlie.

“ _ Alex, please. Where are you? Your mother and I are worried _ .”

“My dad, he’s out in the hallway.”

“I don’t … I don’t think anyone’s out there,” said Charlie, sliding out from under the table. Alex did the same and stood up fast.

“No, I hear him! I hear - fuck, I hear him!”

“ _ Alex, please. Don’t let him get me, too _ .”

“Alex, stay down!” insisted Charlie.

“No, that’s my dad!” he shouted, his voice cracking. “He’s right out there, can’t you hear him?” Charlie rushed over to him.

“You two, down  _ now _ !” whisper-shouted Dean Foundry. The rest of the library looked at them in alarm, but Alex paid them no mind.

“ _ Alex _ !  _ Alex _ !”

“My dad! He’s calling my name,” panted Alex. “He’s out there!”

“Get! Down!” hissed Dean Foundry.

“I CAN HEAR HIM!” Alex shouted, struggling against Charlie’s restraint.

“Shit,” said Charlie, stammering. “Alex, it’s the TBI, okay? You’re not hearing your dad. It’s your brain making you think you are.”

“But -”

“He’s not there. It’s the stress -”

“ _ Alex, buddy … please _ !”

“No - I HEAR HIM!”

“Alex, it’s not him,” said Charlie, urgently. “It’s your mind.  _ Trust me _ .”

Alex stared at him in shock, his mind racing a mile a minute.

Trust Charlie.

He did trust Charlie. He trusted him a frightening amount. Probably more than most people, and not just at this particular moment. It sounded so real, though … Charlie wouldn’t lie to him. Or at least, he wouldn’t let him hurt himself.

It felt as though he was doused with cold water. Or a fog of some sort lifted. The weight of what he almost did washed over him. The fact that he almost ran into open fire.

“Come on,” said Charlie, trying to get his attention by patting his arms. “Come on, let’s go.” Charlie guided him back to the computer lab, his brain kicking back into gear.

Holy  _ fuck _ , what did he almost do?

***

All clear.

The lights were back on and Alex and Charlie got out from under the table. As they began to collect their belongings, Charlie could tell Alex was avoiding his gaze. Trying to keep busy by gathering items and talking aloud to no one in particular.

“Yeah, that happened to me before,” said Alex. Eventually, he turned around to face him. “Last year early on, but it hadn’t happened in a while.”

Charlie just nodded, understanding. Like he said, it was brought on by the stress. It took him longer than he expected to recognize what was happening to Alex, likely due to his own stress, but he would have felt more surprised if the TBI wasn’t triggered by all that happened today.

“It was the stress,” he repeated.

“How did you know?” asked Alex. Then he clarified, “What it was.”

“I, uh,” Charlie smiled, uncomfortably. Shit, Alex was going to think he was a creep. “I Googled TBIs a while back.” He looked at the ground to avoid any judgement from the other boy. “Just to, you know, um - know what they entailed.” He exhaled. “What you were,” he chanced a look at Alex, “going through.”

Alex’s expression was unreadable. What Charlie couldn’t tell at that moment was how Alex felt all sorts of emotions. Shame. Exhaustion. Perhaps most confusingly, though, fondness. Though Alex wasn’t quite aware of it at that point, and it registered more as bemusement.

“Yeah, um,” said Alex, averting his gaze. “I’m a freak, so.”

Charlie immediately switched gears, getting defensive on Alex’s behalf.

“No,” he insisted. “No, no, no.”

Then it all … sort of clicked. He felt himself gravitating closer to Alex. Closer to the smaller boy who, if possible, looked even more baffled in that moment. He didn’t expect the day to play out how it was in that particular moment, but as Charlie looked at Alex, he realized that he needed to do it now. Do it before it really is too late.

Make Alex realize just how much he cared about him.

So, he leaned in slowly, giving Alex time to retreat from him. When he didn’t, Charlie closed the space between their lips.

It was perfect. Alex’s lips were wonderfully warm and soft, and he could stay there for much longer. He pulled away, though, before the other boy could kiss him back.

As he looked at Alex, he noticed a slight smile on those same lips.

“That was … surprising.”

“Surprising, good? Or … surprising bad?” asked Charlie, nervously.

Instead of answering, Alex surged forward and kissed him again. It was just as wonderful as the previous time - better even, because it was Alex who initiated it. He never wanted it to stop, but of course, it would.

“Well, you two recovered.”

Alex jumped back from him like he was burned and spun around to face Tony. Charlie smiled bashfully, looking quickly from Alex to Tony.

“Kind of,” said Alex, breathlessly.

Tony just smiled and laughed, shaking his head at the ground.

“What?” asked Charlie.

“Well, I should’ve seen that coming.” Charlie grinned, but the moment was over and Alex clearly had other things on his mind.

“What did Foundry say?”

Tony sighed.

“He said he was gonna look into it … and then he said he heard from the office that this was just a fucking drill.”

“Okay …” said Charlie, uncertainly. “So, if the cops bring him in again … what is that gonna mean for us?”

He stared at Alex, who looked a mix between utterly defeated and lost. One thing was at the forefront of Charlie’s mind, though. Alex was right. He trusted Tyler and was right to do so.

What good did that do, though, when they were all pushed to their limits?

***

Some days the shooter drill felt like a distant memory. Other days, it felt like Alex was right back under that table clinging to Charlie like his life depended on it.

Incidentally, in that moment, it did.

Now, it felt like a combination as the memories were brought to the forefront while he and Charlie sat on his bed discussing the events. It was a few days after the riot. Thankfully, the younger boy managed to escape with “only” a mild concussion and some scratches. Alex couldn’t believe he almost lost his chance at feeling happiness with him.

“What exactly would telling them accomplish?” said Alex. The two were previously doing homework, but naturally their minds were on other matters.

Undeniably, more important matters.

“It would help give you some closure?”

“It would cause them more pain,” Alex countered. “I’ve given them a lifetime of that.”

“They love you,” insisted Charlie. “No parent wants a child to carry any weight like that. Any weight at all. It’s too much for any human to deal with alone.”

“You know about it,” mumbled Alex. “And probably the rest of the damn school …”

“Hey, don’t do that,” said Charlie, grabbing his hands like he did that day in the library. “Don’t shut me out by putting up your walls. No one is impenitent, Alex.”

Alex pursed his lips, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

“While I would firmly disagree with you on that, I think you mean  _ impenetrable _ .”

“What did I say?”

“Hey boys,” said Deputy Standall, appearing at the doorway. Alex quickly dropped Charlie’s hands as they looked over at him. “How’s the homework coming?”

“Well, Charles has got a way to go with vocabulary,” said Alex, earning mock outrage from the other boy. “But he’s helped me a lot with Spanish.”

“That’s great to hear,” said Deputy Standall, with a smile. “I hope you’ll stay for dinner, Charlie. I’m trying my hand at chicken tonight.”

“Are you in the mood for salmonella?” said Alex, arching an eyebrow. He tried and failed to keep his lip from twitching when his father huffed at him.

“I’d love to stay, if it’s no problem,” Charlie added, hastily. “Can I help?”

“It’s no problem at all,” said the deputy, with a smile. “Go on and wash up and come on down. At least I know one of you will appreciate my culinary skills.”

Alex stared at the boy, watching him grin at his father’s retreating figure. He was truly something incredible. Alex also knew he was right, so he sighed.

“ _ If _ I tell him,” said Alex. “Will you stay with me for it?”

“Of course,” said Charlie. “Are you sure I won’t be intruding, though?”

Alex shook his head.

“You’re the reason I didn’t completely lose my shit and actually go out there,” he said. “Plus … parts of it are still hazy. It might help if you’re here … to fact-check, almost.”

_ Also, I need you _ .

Charlie smiled, nodding at Alex.

“Absolutely.”

***

“You … heard me?”

Dinner had long since ended and the four of them were sitting on the patio. As Charlie sat and watched the Standalls, he still couldn’t help feel like he was out of place and intruding on a family matter.

“Yeah, uh,” Alex fumbled, looking at Charlie for a moment. He looked away just as quickly and looked at his father. “We were sitting in the computer lab under a table. I was sort of freaking out and Charles … kept me grounded. Kept me focused on breathing.”

Mrs. Standall immediately got tears in her eyes, reaching to hold her husband’s hand as both of their eyes fell on Charlie. He smiled slightly and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Alex was making it seem like he did something special.

“I didn’t do anything anyone else wouldn’t have done,” mumbled Charlie, but Alex shook his head.

“That’s not true,” said Alex. “Some time later, the stress of it triggered my TBI. I started to ‘hear’ you, Dad. You called for me and … said you and mom were worried about me. That you wanted me to come find you.”

Mrs. Standall closed her eyes, covering her mouth with her free hand. Deputy Standall blinked several times. As Charlie focused on their entwined hands, he saw their grips tighten in an almost painful way.

“Charles was the reason that I didn’t go out into the hallway,” Alex continued. “He talked me down, he realized it was the TBI. I couldn’t tell … it was like last year when I thought that Hannah was calling for me. I lost touch with reality.”

“He was calm … unlike Dean Foundry who was in there with all of us. He kept yelling at me to go and sit down, but it was Charles who made me realize it was all in my head. I’d … I know it was a drill, but if it wasn’t …”

Alex left the rest unsaid, but they all understood, and Charlie felt his heart sink to the pit of his stomach. He couldn’t imagine a world without Alex. A world without his dry humor, his kind heart. His unending loyalty for his friends and family. Charlie wanted nothing more in that moment than to take Alex’s hand in his own, but he refrained from doing so.

He felt another pang in his chest when he noticed that Mrs. Standall was full-on crying now. Expecting to find her husband the same way, Charlie was alarmed by the look of anger on the deputy’s face.

“This school has made many foolish decisions … but this is something else entirely,” said Deputy Standall. He stood up abruptly and everyone flinched. “They could’ve made you regress after all the progress you’ve made. They could’ve … killed you!”

Charlie chanced a glance at Alex who was looking at his knees. As if he felt the younger boy’s gaze, Alex looked at him with what appeared to be shame. Charlie subtly shook his head. It wasn’t Alex’s fault his father was upset. They expected as much, especially since he likely would blame himself further since it was “his” voice that Alex heard that day.

“I’m going to -”

“You’re not going to do  _ anything _ ,” implored Alex. “Dad, please. I’m just trying to finish out the year without fireworks.”

“Alex,” said Mrs. Standall, speaking for the first time. “The school and Dean Foundry need to be held accountable for their actions. They know  _ your _ history. They need to recognize the warning signs. If Charlie wasn’t there and it wasn’t a drill …” She cleared her throat and looked at Charlie. “We can’t thank you enough for being there with him and helping our boy. How did you know the signs?”

Charlie felt the back of his neck grow hot and when he looked at Alex, he saw the other boy was staring at his knees again. This time, though, his nose was scrunched as if he was trying to stop himself from breaking into a fond smile. The realization of that, alone, made butterflies erupt in Charlie’s stomach.

“I uh, I read up on TBIs,” he explained. “Back when we started hanging out more during winter break. To know what to expect in the event it was ever triggered so I could help.”

Alex’s parents exchanged a look that, for the life of him, Charlie couldn’t decipher. Then Deputy Standall looked back at him.

“You’re a terrific friend, Charlie,” he said, solemnly. “Truly, thank you.”

“You’re welcome, sir. Thank you.”

***

“I think that went well,” said Charlie, lightly. The two of them were back in Alex’s room and the boy closed the door behind them. “Do you feel any better?”

“I don’t know,” said Alex, and Charlie appreciated the honesty. The two of them sat on Alex’s bed again. “I know I should, but … it feels like I’m still burdening them.”

Charlie kissed the top of Alex’s head and felt the boy melt into him. He smiled.

“I’m sorry you had to see my dad lose it,” Alex added, and Charlie shook his head.

“They love you so much,” he said. “I know I’ve said it before, but it’s clear as day. They just want what’s best for you and that’s a really special thing. It’s nothing that you should ever feel ashamed about.”

Alex kissed his cheek and there was a silence that lasted several minutes before Alex spoke again.

“Thank you for staying here with me,” said Alex. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“Sure you could’ve,” said Charlie. Alex looked at him. Charlie leaned forward to kiss him softly, and when he pulled back, he added:

“You’ll never have to, though.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this fic! Comments and kudos are appreciated. Prompt recommendations are encouraged.


End file.
